It's been probably one of the hardest years in my life thus far, but I survived. So, did my husband and two children...sometimes it feels, just barely but we all got through it. I'm lucky that what I'm writing about isn't life or death. No one was in an accident, we didn't have to overcome trauma. I tell my friends your life and your issues aren't to be measured against others, they have value because they are yours.This is what happened to me and mine to get us to where we are now.
Disclaimer: A few friends asked if I could write about what I'm doing and this is me doing that. I've never been a strong writer so this is quite daunting for me. I'm also a private person so putting my life out there is also a hurdle to jump. I do like a good challenge though. If you have any constructive feedback please let me know because this is a learning process for me. I won't be posting photos of my boys faces, as I believe they should have the right to decide what their online presence should be when they are ready, so please don't ask for photos of them.
Here goes...
There are so many stories about teachers leaving their careers because the profession has become so all consuming most people tend to burn out if they try to do it all.
Well, yes...
I was fine when I was single, even when I got married, but the moment I had a child things slowly began to fall apart and then two children...well it was near impossible for me. I was resenting my children for taking me away from my work, I was kicking myself for not planning better lessons and not knowing my class children as well as I used to. I wasn't part of the school community like I was before children. I was sleep deprived, guilt ridden and overly emotional all the time. I felt like I was a drain on everyone: home and school.
When I had my first child, A, my husband and I did kind of make it work eventually. He worked 3 days and I worked 3 days. I personally didn't like this arrangement in terms of my teacher side because I never really felt like I got to know my class very well and I just never felt like I had a grasp of what was happening at school, as things moved so quickly. I did love the time with A though, everyone told me that's what mattered. Then when I was heavily pregnant with my second child, M, I was told I had no choice but to come back full time.
Honestly, even if part time were a possibility I was the main income earner in my family and it was my job that gave my family the right to stay in Singapore. If I went to part time for longer I wouldn't have the income I needed to keep my dependents (husband and children). My teacher side was also much more comfortable with this arrangement too. So I choose to go back to full time teaching.
Well, that didn't go down well with my husband. This meant we had to hire full time live in help (part time wasn't financially an option - crazy I know!). We tried this...let me tell you I never want to relive that first 6 months of going back to work again. In our haste to hire someone, we didn't truly know what we wanted and hired someone who was completely the wrong fit. For the first time in my life I lost it, truly lost it and ended screaming at this woman to leave my house. We sent her away for the safety of our children, my mummy guilt grew and grew...That was one of the worst weeks of my life. My husband was in Australia for a work retreat, it was the last week of term and I had no one to take care of my children. My work wouldn't give me the time at home to take care of them, so had to find someone the weekend before who would watch them, while I was at work.
It killed me.
It was this exact moment, that I knew something had to change. Why was I putting my kids last? Wasn't I meant to be an advocate for children? Do my own children not count? If I learnt anything from my teaching degree it was that the first few years of a child's life are the most important and therefore it is so important children have their parents/loving carer with them. Where was I?
I'm not one to ask for help, but that week I did to anyone and everyone. I have to acknowledge a colleague of mine who, on the first day of that week, went to my apartment to check in on my kids and the babysitter. She sent me an "it's all good she's great with them message" to put my mind at ease. Vikki, I will always be grateful for that. My girlfriends also dropped by one evening with pizza, cookies and chocolate and sat with me, which even now fills my heart. They know me so well. They sent me numerous messages that week, which told me I wasn't alone. Even though my colleagues and my girlfriends are the best I could have asked for I didn't want to be the friend who always needed them to drop everything. I wanted to be there for them, that's who I thought I was...but who I had not been for the longest time.
A week later we were in Perth for Christmas and my two best friends sat me down and talked everything out with me. By the time we were done they had convinced me that my husband and I needed to find a circuit breaker. Ollie suggested going on an extended family holiday, where we had the space away from Singapore to make a decision about what we needed for ourselves and our boys. I pitched this idea to Chris, who said he knew talking to my besties was a good idea!
As soon as we returned to Singapore I reached out to a life coach (yep I know right?!) never thought I'd be doing the whole life coach thing. I have to say she was/is amazing. I also used the Better Help App, as I felt like I needed support emotionally through all this. Chris and I also started seeing the counsellor we saw after we had A again. I wanted to make sure that if we were going to make this decision it was well informed and the best possible decision we could make, not just for us, but for our boys too.
A few weeks later I sadly handed in my resignation, which resulted in so many of my colleagues and friends gathering around me with so much love and support that I knew I'd done the right thing.
The next few months went by so quickly that it's honestly a bit of a blur. Before I knew it I was trying to keep the kids busy while packing boxes and selling most things until our apartment was empty. My husband ended up taking over the selling part, as I had no luck; he on the other hand sold things like hotcakes!
We were worried about storage, as we had things we wanted to keep for wherever we would settle. I was talking to my child's preschool principal one day at drop off and just like that she offered us her storage space! I have to say I am totally and utterly impressed with that lady. She is one of those people that is so full of spirit and drive, yet has the biggest and kindest most selfless heart. We feels so lucky to have her in our lives.
Through this process I have realised just how lucky I am to have the people I have in my life. I am so incredibly grateful for their continued support. I feel like even if this whole adventure fails, they won't judge; they will find ways to be supportive because that's my village I love so much.
This has turned into a long post, so I might wrap it up here. I'll write about the airport and the first few days in Bali in another post.
I am new to all of this, but I hope you get something out of what I'm sharing. If you would like me to write about something in particular please reach out and let me know.
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