“It may well be that we will have to repent in this generation. Not merely for the vitriolic words and the violent actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence and indifference of the good people who sit around and say, "Wait on time.” Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches
When we moved to Australia I was very young, it was a hard transition for me according to my parents. As soon as we could my parents got Australian citizenship for us all and gave up our Sri Lankan passports. My parents were and are what you would call assimilationists. My mother believed if you live in a country you do what the people of that country do and that's that. As a result, I didn't really associate with any other Sri Lankan Australians my age at all. The majority of my friends were white Australians. I couldn't ask for better friends, they are some of the kindest, funniest, perfectly imperfect people I know and I wouldn't have it any other way. I am glad my skin colour didn't stop them from welcoming me into their lives. I know, if they choose to have children, they would raise children who will be equally brilliant.
That's not to say that we didn't benefit from white privilege or exhibit racist behaviour, of course we did, we all did. I remember singing 'Clean hands, Dirty hands' (not actually sure this is the name of the song) in the chapel at school one day and one of my closest friends made the mistake of gesturing to my hands as dirty hands and hers as clean. Her face dropped at my reaction when she realised what she'd done. She apologised profusely and I know she would never make that mistake again. I, myself have gone down the path of white saviourism many times and continue to try and find balance in my life in terms of this by talking with others and educating myself.
What I'm trying to say in a very convoluted way is I'm grateful for my past and the people in my life, but when people ask me about my 'traditions' and 'culture' (aka my brown skin) I'm honestly not sure. When new people meet me they assume I'm a spokesperson for my race when I know very little about it. I kick myself for not really knowing more than I do. I know I'm not alone in this feeling, we are a product of our environment. How much do you really know about your ancestral culture and traditions? I love my Sri Lankan side, but I admit I have an extremely superficial understanding of it. When I have to write my race I write Australian because that's what I thought it meant, that's who I see. I want you to please keep this in mind while you, hopefully, read on.
While I don't believe the world to be so binary as to have 'good' people and 'bad' people, I find the above quote extremely relevant. I don't know about you, but I have felt quite useless in terms of everything happening in the world right now. I want to help and I don't know how; I believe I'm not alone here either. It was only after this week I realised just how much the events of the last few weeks/months have evolved me and have helped me to contribute, hopefully, in a positive way to the world. Let me explain...last week we stayed on a horse farm and met some really interesting people. It was an interaction with a five-year-old girl, her mother and my best friend in Perth that made me realise that we are always learning and that we always have the choice to be better and do better.
On her last night at the farm, this little girl was watching Chris and I play a board game while casually chatting. She had gotten quite attached to us and had spent some time exploring and playing together with us on the farm. I don't really know what brought it on, but she started talking about her friends. She said she liked everyone at her school, except for one person. Half listening, and half trying to play the game I asked what it was about that one person she didn't like.
"She's got dark skin. We don't like dark skins."
"Oh...(seriously hoping her mum would step in)...that makes me sad..."
I felt rather stupid. I didn't have a clue what to say, I think because her mum was there I thought maybe it wasn't my place to "parent" at that moment. I think we were all a bit frozen by the comment, to be honest. By the time I got to my senses, I felt the moment had passed and normally I would have let it go. I didn't let it go. I thought about it all night and even messaged my *2 best friends in Perth about it. I was so annoyed with myself, as a teacher, parent, someone who has been reading a lot about anti-racism lately and most of all as a dark-skinned person, how could the best thing I could come up with at the time be, "that makes me sad"!?
I woke up resolved to not let this opportunity pass. To change the future you must address the problems of the present. I wasn't going to let this go. Yes, I understand she's five and the fact that she said it to me meant that perhaps she didn't really know what she was saying. At the same time, she said it and that meant that this reason for exclusion was in her vocabulary and that was not and will never be okay. The comment from one of my (white) friends was, "I think this shit makes a lot of white people uncomfortable and they just ignore it yunno.. The mum probably thinks she's just a kid and she'll grow out of it so the path of least resistance is to just not talk about it." This helped encourage me to address the issue head-on because to make a change means sometimes having uncomfortable conversations. I wrote three picture book titles on a small piece of paper I knew were available at this girl's closest library. Armed with my little bit of paper and the support of my husband and friends I approached the mother of this child. I knew she had heard the conversation so I didn't beat around the bush, "Hi, I just wanted to have a chat about the conversation your daughter and I had last night..."
The girl's mum was so so incredibly responsive and open to the conversation. We both acknowledged that it was an extremely awkward moment and that we both had no idea what to do at the time, and could, and should have done much better than we did. She took the paper and thanked me for the resources, asked for my number to stay in touch and gave me a hug. It was the best possible outcome I could have imagined, she was grateful that we could have the conversation and said it was important that we did. I'm not sure if that mum would have addressed the issue with her daughter or not. I truly hope she does follow up with her in whatever way she believes will work best for her daughter.
As most of you know I have two boys. I'm a dark-skinned woman married to a caucasian Australian (Pākehā) man. As a result, talking about skin colour, gender, etc and highlighting the beauty of all difference, is something that I've always spoken with my boys about. Until this incident, I forgot that perhaps this doesn't happen in every family. I'm here to say if you are not having these conversations, if you do not acknowledge difference and normalise these conversations, you need to. Not talking about it isn't enough. Assuming your child gets it, isn't enough. I did some of my teaching training in an elite all-boys school in Perth and some of the understandings of Indigenous Australians among these 8-9-year-olds were shocking, to say the least. Have the conversation. Understand your privilege. Live and teach with empathy. You have no idea what your life might have been like were you born in a different circumstance.
My friend put me on to a podcast, which I will try to link here. At the end they talk about what action they would take moving forward and to be honest I was underwhelmed by their responses, while at the same time I could relate. I wrote that I felt useless with all that's happening around the world, I didn't know what to do either, except educating myself. However, one response really got me thinking and that's the notion of doing 'enough'.
We are all learning how to be our best self and it's okay to say you are still learning or you have no idea or even that you feel uncomfortable talking about race. I do. I feel extremely uncomfortable, however, I'm glad I have a community that's willing to listen and learn with me.
I've realised my notion of 'enough' has definitely changed over these last few months. Has yours?
Here are some resources that may help you along on your journey:
Reveal an American Investigative Reporting podcast which speaks about inequality and accountability
Four Corners and The Guardian in Australia saying not good enough when it comes to BIPOC. If you can get a hold of the episode it's worth a watch.
A podcast about the changing of Mississippi's state flag. It's really interesting and highly recommend you to listen.
If you have children these are book resources, I haven't read them all, but they are certainly on my to-read list: Diverse Booklist 1 and 2. I will continue to post books I come across that we enjoy as a family on my Instagram too.
AOC saying not good enough when it comes to sexism.
*My two best friends are white, one male and one female. I feel so incredibly lucky to have them both and that I am able to have such open and real conversations with them. I honestly don't know where I would be without them, they keep me brave and love me unconditionally, as I do them. I love you guys so much.
If you see yourself in a photo in this article and would prefer I take it down, please let me know, as I couldn't get to everyone.
Comments