We Learn From Our Experiences

I sit here in our villa del ant while the geckos are hunting and my boys lay peacefully sleeping. I look out on to our little space in the world and the lovely little garden, when did we become so lucky?

...

It's been a few months since I wrote the above. It was our last day in Bali before going to Sri Lanka. We have certainly done quite a bit since then. Let me fill you in...

So we were meant to spend A's third birthday back in Singapore because it was his cousin's first birthday and we really didn't want to miss that. Plus we thought it would have been nice for A to see his friends again (us too). Unfortunately, like so much of our world today the higher-ups messed it up for us; due to what usually makes the world a sad, scary and unkind place to be: Greed. The haze came back to Singapore. The boys had been sick once in Bali, just once when we went to Jimbaran. I think they got a mild case of Bali belly; as did I, but that's it. I remember them getting sick so much more before we left. Nate was diagnosed with childhood asthma in Singapore and had to have a puffer with him. I remember always hearing phlegm in his lungs. In Bali that disappeared. So, when we flew into Singapore and barely made out the buildings for the air pollution, we decided we weren't going to risk it and took off again straight to Sri Lanka.

Sri Lanka was wonderful, Chris was worried about the air pollution there too, but since we were often out of the city centre it seemed to be fine. The boys had a wonderful time with their much loved grand aunt and uncle. We stayed with my aunt and uncle as our base in between travels and it was really nice. The boys loved Einstein, their labrador. They loved helping my uncle with his fish and just generally spending time with family, but we spent a lot of our trip travelling. I will write a separate post about our travels for those interested.

As lovely as it was, we did find the constant travelling was really starting to show in the boys. As much as we could, we tried to keep them in a familiar routine so something was consistent, which was often hard to do. The groove we had gotten into in Bali, wasn't working with all the travelling and socialising. The boys were oftentimes overtired, over-sugared or overstimulated, which would result in tears or poor choices. This made us realise that instead of going somewhere else in Asia after Christmas, that perhaps we should return to Bali to give the boys more consistency. Towards the end of the trip, the boys were finally getting into the rhythm of things and trusting family more. We felt so sad to leave them and for the first week back in Bali A would often ask after my aunt and uncle. I guess that's the sad reality of travelling with kids: leaving when they build such beautiful relationships.

It's funny because we had so much more help in Sri Lanka, my aunt and uncle are amazing; they truly are. They have always supported me no matter what, for as long as I remember. They love our boys as much as we love them and they are so hands-on with them! They really respect the way we parent, even if they may not agree with something...Okay except for the whole no sugar thing. My sugar-loving uncle (bless him) guilted me into so many sweet treats! Sri Lankan sweets are so good, I couldn't deny the boys the pleasure! It was just really nice to have the family actually play with the boys and be messy and laugh without judgement. I trust them completely, which is a hard thing for both Chris and I to do. I digress, my point is that even with all the help; Chris and I were exhausted!

In Bali, we had this routine where Chris would often do the boys breakfast, while I got some me time in the morning to do yoga, shower or go to the loo in peace. We would then swap so he could do the same before starting work. I'd have the boys for the rest of the morning and we'd then see Chris again for lunch. The boys would both nap (sometimes I would too) after lunch and in the afternoon we would do something active outside. Chris would then finish work and take the boys while I made dinner. We'd have dinner as a family and do bedtime altogether. It was simple, but it worked. On Sunday, Chris would give me a day to do what I wanted, such as writing. In Sri Lanka, for whatever reason, these little things didn't happen and the cumulative effect of not having these little "me time/self-care" moments in addition to Chris working late due to the reality of being on the road travelling, took its toll on us. Our first week back in Bali we were both so short with the kids and with each other. Oh! and had the added pressure of finding new accommodation in a new area of Bali. We never did like to do things the easy way!

Now we are in Nusa Dua, living in a little complex and far more settled. The only thing about being in Nusa Dua is that all our friends and the things we like are in Canggu or Sanur. We just couldn't find anything within our budget and good for the kids in those areas. This means that I've been commuting with the boys for playdates and getting groceries delivered rather than being able to make shopping lists with A and going to the shops with the boys. I suppose we could still do grocery lists and he can learn to online shop! It could be worse and it's only for a month before we head to Australia for Christmas with Chris's family. All in all, it's been a busy month. It's been exhausting, fun and we've learnt the importance of family, me time and the boys' limits when travelling.

This whole adventure has been for the boys and for our family as a unit. It's a learning journey and we will continue to modify and adapt based on what works for us. Other people will have different opinions and will definitely share them with us (as is the joy of parenting). Social media can also be a friend and foe in equal measure too. I've never been great at trusting I'm doing the right thing for me, but I'm learning slowly that I need to. Not because I'm right and others are wrong, but because no one knows your life better than you or knows your child better than you. I remember as a teacher having to explain to parents that there is no one 'best school' for all children because all children are different. You need to listen to your child and know what your child needs to be successful.

My unsolicited advice:

One thing to remember, as hard as it may be, is that milestones are just guidelines. They are not a checklist that must be ticked off exactly at that time. Your child isn't exceptional if they walk at 9 months or broken if they aren't walking by 13 months. They have their own timeline. The best thing I feel like we can do, as our children's biggest cheerleaders, is to give them the time and space to learn the things they need to when they are ready. You know as parents if you feel like something is amiss and that's when you follow up with the experts, but please don't put it on your child. They are enough and don't need us giving them our insecurities. Surround yourself with a community that genuinely cares for you and will support you rather than question you on every decision you make.

I need to keep reminding myself every day that what we're doing is best for us and while I feel like I keep getting caught up or have to defend myself with the, "Why is he still in nappies?","Why is he still breastfeeding?", "How come they don't have this toy or that?", "When are they going to start school?" questions from some. I have great friends who remind me that life isn't a race, kids don't need to be rushed and we don't all have to follow the same tune. If your child feels loved, safe, supported, healthy and is able to be themself and express themself without judgement or shame; then you're doing something right, right? Right!